


the Balcony

by AmandaBecker



Series: What if? [1]
Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: F/M, Sanditon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-01-30 00:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21419527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaBecker/pseuds/AmandaBecker
Summary: This is the first of several "one shots" I'm working on.I love "WHAT IFs"...So hope you like it and maybe i can do more.
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood & Sidney Parker, Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Series: What if? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544161
Comments: 48
Kudos: 136





	1. Penny for your thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive my mistakes, English is not my first language.

The balcony seemed her way to escape of the heated and loud ballroom. Only when she went trough the curtain, she saw him. Big and beautiful in front of her. He looked at her with this beautiful deep brown eyes, and she felt her cheeks went red.

„Oh, I beg you pardon.“ She turned and were about to leave again, when his deep voice called her back.  
„It’s not neccessary, come here.“  
„Thank you.“ He looked at her in disbelief. How could she be so nice and sweet like a girl at same time like a breathtaking beautiful woman. After a while of silence, he tried to make conversation.

„Penny for your thoughts, Miss Heywood.“ Please talk to me, he thought.  
„I needed some air. It is very full there and I am hot.“ Oh, yes, you are.  
„And I thought,...how hard it is to make people out.“  
„A particular person caused that thought?“ Maybe she was thinking of me? Her blush deepend, and he had to supress a smile, which fade as she answered,  
„Mr. Edward Denham,“ oh dear god, no!  
„and Miss Clara Brereton.“ he was a little confused,  
„What have they done?“ Was she jealous?  
"Both tried to convince me, but they were both talking in the most mysteriest ways."  
„Convince of what?“

She told him what they were saying to her, and as he was confused. Then she also told him what she had seen on her way to Lady Denham.  
Although she didn’t know what she had observed, he understood clearly and he didn’t knew how he could explain such things to her.  
At least not in a ballroom full of people. He could imagine other places and what else he could teach her. Oh Lord!  
He closed his eyes in disbelieve what he had just thought.

Or what to think about the whole story either. Lord Denham was a ...disgusting gentleman.  
But Sidney managed to say, „You should avoid him and better look for other dance partners.“

She raised her eyes and smiled timidly. This shy smile hit him right in his heart, which was cold and broken, and he couldn’t understand why it suddenly filled with warmth.  
Maybe because her eyes burned in his soul. Beating deeply his tortured heart began to stutter.  
Their gaze locked for a moment. Her full lips parted, as if she want to say something.  
Since a decade he hadn’t feel like this. A warm tingle all over his body. 

And before he could think about it, he took her hand and led her back to the dance floor...


	2. after the balcony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few dances later...Sidney is distracted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here the 2nd chapter.  
hope you enjoy.

After they danced two further dances Charlotte was blushing of excitement and of course of Mr. Parker. Mr Sidney Parker. 

It wasn't like her first dance. Suddenly it seemed as if everything had changed. He looked into her eyes and talked to her. About Sanditon, his brothers.  
After the musicians took a break, Sidney led them to the refreshments and tried to learn more about her.

"You're going to hunt?" He asked courious, he almost didn't believe her. But she was such an honest and real person, it had to be true.

"Yes I do." She said a little embarrassed.  
The redness of her cheeks made her look so young and innocent and Sidney had a guilty conscience as his thoughts were distracted by the look on her décolleté.

"What have you hunt so far?" he asked and his thoughts wandered once again into dangerous waters.  
"Mainly rabbits, but I've already shot two deers." She said with a little hint of pride in her voice.  
"Wow," Sidney said surprised and a warm feeling flooded him. He was proud for her.  
"You should show your skills on Lady Denham's hunting trip." He grinned.  
"No, I'd rather not." She looked at her hands.  
"Why not?  
"Well, first of all we kill animals just to...eat them and yes..."  
"What?“ he asked in a dear voice, he absolutely wanted to know the reason why she was stuttering around.  
"It wouldn't be the right behaviour for a young lady."  
"Why? Exceptionally to run around with a loaded weapon?" he laughed.

He blushed, for his thoughts drifted once again to the point that she always had weapons with her. The ones which have distracting him with the blue ribbon and bow, prevented him from fully concentrating on the conversation. The others looked at him big and dark like liquid chocolate, penetrating. As if she could look into his soul and read his dirty thoughts.

"No," she said laughing, "because I am lying on the floor. Most of the time I'm dirty from head to toe, so I have to undress immediately".  
Sidney swallowed. He looked at her with his eyes wide open, but she didn't seem to have noticed her slip.  
"That's not proper for a young woman." She said teasingly and prodded him playfully with her shoulder.

There's some things that are not proper, thought Sidney and he was angry for his unseemly thoughts, but he just couldn't stop imagining them. She laid in the grass, gun in hand.  
"Yes, yes." He said distracted, as he now had an even better view of... her weapons.  
"But, we can gladly go together. Then I can show you my skills." She said in an innocent tone and Sidney almost choked on his drink. Then he apologized a little suddenly and disappeared. He was lost.

A little disappointed that he didn't come back to the ballroom, Charlotte went home tired with Mary after another hour.  
There they met Sidney in the salon and he was distant and strangely rugged towards her. Just like at their first dance. Charlotte was confused. A sense of loss permeated her and she could not understand why he was behaving like this. 

She thought they would became friends.

When she then said goodnight, Sidney noticed her injured facial expression and was immediately angry at himself.  
It wasn't her fault he was incapable. Incapable to let anyone into his heart again.  
But at that very moment he knew it was already too late. 

She had already settled in and he had the feeling that she was hard to get rid of.


	3. Misunderstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his confusing behavior, Charlotte makes a decision...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is another chapter for this little story.... I would say, slow burn..

The days after the ball were exhausting for Charlotte. Trying to avoid running into Sidney Parker. Which, of course, was an interesting endeavour, as he was a frequent visitor to Trafalgar House. Sometimes she thought he was doing it on purpose. Because every time she came down for breakfast he was already there, or he came shortly after she had just started breakfast and it was not possible to leave immediately.

He was friendly and asked how she was doing, showed interest in her activities. But she remained reserved and shy. She did not want to risk spinning the fragile bond of friendship and two minutes later he would leave her alone again or give her the cold shoulder.

When Charlotte returned to Trafalgar House a few days later with a large parcel from the post office, Mr Parker had just come from Tom's study. Astonished, he watched her try to climb the stairs with the parcel.

"Let me help you!" Sidney immediately offered, and as he took the package from her hand, her fingers brushed against each other. A quick look in her eyes, a tentative smile, then she said something like, "It's all right." or something like that. Sidney hadn't really been listening as he was distracted by her sparkling eyes. And the tingling in his arm.

"Hmm?"  
"Thank you, Mr. Parker. But I can do it."  
"No, I'll carry it up for you, what's in it? Your dowry?" he asked teasingly and she looked at him somewhat alarmed.  
"I'm not here to chase a husband, Mr. Parker..."  
"I know, but..." what could he say? He was always kind of confused around her.  
"You don't have to help me," she said in a distant voice, and the look on her face was like when he called her "New Maid".

Still he carried the package to her room. 

At the doorstep he waited until she asked him to come in and leave the huge parcel on the floor next to the door. He stopped expectantly and she looked at him questioningly with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't you want to open it?" he asked, he just didn't want to leave yet and was looking for a reason to stay. It was so pleasantly cool and cosy in her room, although it was so private and intimate, he felt it was the only room he belonged in. 

"Perhaps I can help you," he asked friendly and pointed to the package.  
"No." She blushed a little and he was more confused than before. Had he missed anything?  
He had no choice but to go back to the door and was surprised when she approached him.

"Mr. Parker. I would like to talk to you," she looked at him with a serious expression and his heart began to beat wildly.   
"At the ball..." she seemed to be looking for the right words, "I think I misunderstood you."  
Confused he looked at her, he really didn't know what she was talking about.  
"Misunderstood?"   
"Yes, erm... I misunderstood your feelings about me."  
What? Oh, no, no, no, feelings for her? Did she see through him?  
"I...erm,I don't think I understand..." he stuttered.  
"your kindness and your.....efforts you gave me ...erm, yes erm, at that lovely evening."  
"I'm afraid I don't understand you, Miss Heywood."

"Mr. Parker," she hissed. Oh, she got mad. And she was... cute when she got mad. Sidney's heart pounded all the more as she moved a little closer and her voice took on a rough tone.  
"I know none of this was real."  
Confused, he looked at her,  
"I beg your pardon?"  
"You were only so kind to me because I'm your brother's and Mary's guest."  
"But..."  
"You don't have to keep carrying packages upstairs or ask me questions about my well-being at breakfast."  
"Miss Heywood,"  
"I understand that you did it for his sake and it's okay. You don't have to pretend to be my friend, because you're obviously not."  
"I never..."  
"I am grateful for the advice and the entertainment..." and the dances and the warmth, and the feeling of being something special, at least for one evening. But she couldn't tell him that!  
"...but it was unmistakable how you treated me once Tom stopped paying attention to you."

What? Sidney really couldn't believe what she was saying.  
"Miss Heywood, what makes you think that?"  
"As your brother was distracted, you left without even saying goodbye."  
"But that was because... because..." He thought, what he couldn’t tell her. It was because... you confuse me. You're dangerous. He cleared his throat and then finally said,  
"Miss Heywood, what do you think is not....?"

"I think you don’t care about me."  
"Miss Heywood..."  
"Thanks for... well," she pointed to the package.  
"I bid you good day."

With this she pushed herself past him and ran down the stairs. Phew, she had made it and hoped that from now on it would be easier to meet him, or rather to avoid him, since he could now just keep treating her like air. 

Sidney was still standing outside her room, thunderstruck. Staring at the stairs where she had just disappeared. What had just happened? She had just told him that it wasn't real! He wouldn't have cared about her. Oh, if only she knew it was the opposite!

Of course, it'd be easier that way. If she thought that of him, and probably avoided him even more, he could go back to London and forget her.... forget her? He was frozen.

Only when he heard the front door and Tom greeting Miss Heywood and wished her a nice day, did he knew what to do. He ran down the stairs, past Tom, without hearing what he was calling out to him. And ran in the direction where Miss Heywood had just disappeared.


	4. a difficult conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A difficult conversation... during that Sidney become clear about some things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found it funny to make the real conversation from the series in this What if something different.  
hope you enjoy it.

He walked with quick steps in the direction where she had disappeared and it didn't take long to realize that she was headed for the beach. She then disappeared in one of the bathing machines and Sidney had to stop himself from following her there. He went back to Trafalgar House. There Tom nagged him again that he wouldn't help him enough and accused him of only taking advantage of their business partnership. Tom just wished that Sidney would be in Sanditon more often and longer to support him and help him find newer ways of entertainment.

Just a week ago he would have clenched his teeth, cursed inside, and returned to London a day later. But since a few days, this girl has been haunting his mind......rather this woman. She was definitely a woman, there was no doubt about it. And although there was a huge misunderstanding between them, which he would try to clear up as soon as possible, it would be a pity to let the opportunity pass by, to get more of her. He closed his eyes briefly to gather himself and then said to his brother,

"Tom, I'm sorry if I made you think I wasn't interested. Of course I am, and of course I'll stay a few more days."  
"That's splendid, splendid," cried Tom and slapped his brother proudly on the shoulder.  
"I just have to go to London to arrange a few things..."  
"Of course, of course." Tom nodded enthusiastically.  
"You can stay at the hotel, of course, but Mary and I would be delighted if you came to live with us."

At the thought that he might see more of Miss Heywood and get to know her better, he nodded smilingly and then said goodbye to Tom to get things startedAs he had had left the house, he saw Miss Heywood strolling up to the house. Her wet hair lay on her back and made her neck look even longer. She greeted Mr. Samuels kindly and she smiled to herself. Sidney took a deep breath once and then went in her direction when she began to look for something in her bag.  
Completely absorbed in her work, she passed him without even noticing him.

Sidney had stopped to greet her, but looked at her in astonishment. Had she deliberately avoided him or had she really been so captivated by the things in her bag? Deep in his thoughts, he wanted to follow her, but left it at that and went to the hotel.

Later he walked the streets with Babington and Crow, explaining to them what new buildings were to be built there, he saw Miss Heywood standing on the construction ladder. She was still holding young Mr Stringer's hand, smiling and talking to him before climbing all the way down. Her backside looked very well, he wanted to rush to her side.  
His heart was beating so loudly, probably with excitement, that she might fall down, but for a young lady in a long dress she climbed down in an irritatingly elegant way, without faltering.  
He couldn't help but look in her direction again and again as she looked at any plans with Mr Stringer, and while he was supposed to be listening to his brother chatting him up with a lunch at Lady Denham's.

"Miss Heywood is coming too, it'll be a great........." more Sidney couldn't hear any more, for his heart began to pound loudly again, and there was suddenly such a murmur in his head. What was the matter with him? He had the strange feeling, deep down he knew what this feelings meant.  
When Tom finished and returned to Mr Stringer, he waited for Miss Heywood and stoped her when she tried to pass him.

"Miss Heywood, may I have a word?"  
Surprised, she looked at him with this little furrow between her eyebrows. He couldn't help himself, he found her simply enchanting. If she thought her look was intimidating, he had to disappoint her, she was just too sweet.  
"I think there really has been a misunderstanding between us."  
Now she raised her eyebrows up in this way, as if to say ironically 'really?’  
"I, erm...I didn't do it for Tom. I really...enjoyed the time with you."

"Oh really?" she asked in a surprised tone, he found it a little too ironic.  
"Yes, I..." he smiled as she cheekily interrupted him,  
"it didn't seem like that." That was a downright lie and it seemed as if they were both fully aware of it.  
"Miss Heywood," he began in a soothing tone.  
"I know from your brother that you are moving to Trafalgar House, that's fine, of course. That's where you belong. I will certainly behave myself and treat you with the politeness our acquaintance deserve."

Oh man! She was really a tough nut to crack, how could he make her know that there was a misunderstanding? It was almost as if she wanted to misunderstand him.  
"Miss Heywood, really!"  
"I know you think to badly of me, and I will avoid you as far as I can. I promise." Her voice was trembling, her eyes were wide and she looked at him pleadingly and Sidney really didn't know what to think about it anymore.

"What makes you think I could think badly of you?"  
"I know you think badly of me and are disappointed because of our conversation at the party", embarrassed she bit on her lip, which distracted him for a moment and made him stare at her mouth.  
"Regarding Sir Denham. Had I known he was your friend..."

"I am disappointed... by him. I don't think badly of you," he said with a serious expression and walked a step closer to her.  
"But...but you don't think of me at all." she flinched as if the words had slipped away from her by mistake, she blushed and turned her head embarrassed to the side and started somewhere in the distance.  
„You don’t care, what I think or how I feel.“ she whispered.  
What was she talking about?  
„I do care.“ a lot, he knew in this very moment. And that murmur in his head was back.  
„But when you really care, why were you leaveing so abruptly, and... with this.....“ she pointed on his face „.....disappointed look. And you didn’t say anything in the salon afterwards.“ Oh he had hurt her there, he knew it. 

Surprised at the turn of events in this conversation, he couldn’t do anything, he just kept nothing but silence. He drank her in. She was so grown up and honest. With her he could always be sure that she always told him honestly what she thought and thought of him. With the chaos in him, and the knowledge that slowly penetrated him, he looked at her skeptically. But she misinterpreted his expression.  
„And now I offended and hurt you, I am sorry.“ She looked down. Did she really care what he was feeling? The sudden warmth which run through him, let him shake his head. There was someone who cared for him? This could not be true!

„Miss Heywood.“ he could barely speak.  
„Mr. Parker. Good day.“ she didn’t glanced at him again and rushed away. What was happening here? He starred taken aback her leaving, but couldn’t move.

„Shit!“ he hissed.


	5. opinions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte has an opinion, but so does Sidney

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long, but there are so many little 'what if's' .... I neglected some... and try to come to an end by them bit by bit...and life happens too...
> 
> hope you enjoy!

Ignoring his friends and his brothers he tried to followed her. She was very fast and around the next corner she was dissapeared.  
Back at the Trafalgar house, he heard nothing. The house was very quiet. He met the valet and asked cryptically where everyone was and he got the answer that Mrs. Parker, the nanny and the children had gone to the beach where young Miss Heywood was, he did not know.

Annoyed, Sidney dragged himself up the stairs as if he had had a hard day's work. On the way to his, he passed her room, which the maid had just left. Surprised to see one of the Parkers standing so still in the hallway, the maid curtsied and walked on quickly. She had forgotten to close the door and as Sidney reached for the door to do that instead of her, his gaze fell on the unopened box. He'd love to know what was inside. Suddenly his heart was pounding in his chest as if he was about to do something outrageous and just before he actually entered her room he heard the front door open. After he had quietly closed the door, he wandered quickly into his room. There he leaned against the door and listened whether it was perhaps her who had come home. At that thought that warmth glided through him again.  
Home... Oh shit! 

Even if the sudden thought scared him, he knew what he had to do. He had to talk to her and banish once and for all this false image from her mind. And apologize. And show her that he... liked her. Sidney swallowed hard. That could only end in disaster, considering what happened the last time he gave someone his heart. Well, he hadn't given it to her, though. She had just appeared in his life and settled down there. One look and bam, she was in. 

Taking another deep breath, he opened the door and went out into the hall. Before he knocked at her door, he cleared his throat, stood up straight and took a deep breath. He prepared himself that it would be a difficult task and that he would have to put it rudely over her mouth. Her beautiful mouth. This beautifully shaped mouth, with the most enchanting smile. He could also.....

Shaking off the thought, he knocked and released a trembling breath. He waited.  
"Yes, I'm coming," she shouted and opened the door.  
"Mary, I..." she stopped moving and her mouth formed a perfect round O as she looked at him with equally round eyes.  
"Miss Heywood."  
"Mr Parker, I thought you were Mary", she pointed at him and could not quite suppress a slight grin. His gaze remained fixed on the thing in her hand. When she noticed what he saw, she blushed and tore her arm behind her back. Her eyes first wandered nervously until her gaze wandered down. Sidney cleared his throat and was just about to begin when at the exact same moment she began to explain why she was holding stockings in her hand.  
"I wanted..."  
"It was in the package..."

They looked at each other and had to laugh for a moment, both let their eyes drop again embarrassed.  
"What were you saying, Miss Heywood?"  
"I...erm", she blushed again, "the package was from my family, they sent me some new things and yes..." she looked at the box that was still standing by the door, but now it was open. Sidney recognised something pink, maybe a dress and something light-coloured made of thin cloth. Thinking that it might be an undergarment, he had to look away.

"Yes, then..." she was about to close the door again when it occurred to her that he had knocked and apparently wanted something. Maybe this was his room and he just wanted to tell her that she had to switch? But she couldn't say why she got all warm at the thought that it could be his room.  
"Is it your room? Then of course I can move out. I'll pack up right now."  
A little hesitant she stood there and looked around as if she didn't know where to start.

"No, no. Miss Heywood!" slowly she turned her gaze back to him. She was a little pale. He could hear her heavy breathing and this time he was not distracted by her bosom, no! But it twitched up and down excitedly. And this little application under the breast... No not this time! She held on to the door with her right hand.  
"This is your room!" good that this was cleared up before, he thought as she seemed to relax.  
"Mine's at the end of the hall," he pointed in that direction and she followed his outstretched arm with her gaze.

"All right." Charlotte looked at him curiously. Then what did he want from her?  
"I erm, wanted..." he cleared his throat again and with a strong voice and another small stretch of his back, he went on.  
"I wanted to make something clear. Miss Heywood."  
Her eyes got bigger, what next?  
"Yes?" Her voice had a strange tone.  
"I didn't do it for Tom." He said it so fast that she had to blink a couple of times until she was sure he wasn't gonna say anything else. Their eyes locked for a moment, then he bowed his head minimally and went back to his room. Astonished she looked after him. Was that all? 

"Mr. Parker", she came after him with quick steps and waved her hand around, still holding her stockings, but she didn't seem to notice.  
"You can't just walk away all the time!"  
He turned around and the sight of her made him gasp for breath. She was so... adorable. There was just no other word to describe her. That dress with the little tulips or whatever on it. It was so... pretty and her hair was so shiny and her face had that little furrow between her eyebrows again and...

"What is it with you?" she asked in frustration.  
"You always leave me standing."  
"That's not true."  
"Yes, it is. Now just like at the ball..."  
"I know, and I'm sorry I did."  
"Why?"  
"I erm...yes..."  
"You're a man of the world and now you can't even answer me?"  
"Well, yes."  
"what?"  
"nothing."  
"now you're finally saying it, what you said before and now, what do you think...."  
"I had to leave because I couldn't take it anymore." he shouted.

She was immediately silent and an expression of embarrassment and pain slid across her face.  
"Am I so unbearable?" she asked in a stone-hard voice.  
"What? No! Yes...I..."  
"Why don't you just tell me what you want me to do so we can..." she waved her stockings in her hand again and said "end this."  
"I don't want that."  
"What?"  
"That it has an end."

Their eyes met again and both breathed heavily. Sidney saw her confusion and he briefly closed his eyes to collect himself. He leaned against his room door and let his head fall back in frustration, she saw his Adam's apple move and her heart beat wildly.

"I couldn't bear to be near you anymore," he finally said and immediately tears filled her eyes. He opened his eyes in time to see how she wanted to go back to her room, no he can’t let her go!  
"It's all your fault."  
"Yes, I know." she barely audibly returned it.  
"No, I mean" he took a step towards her and touched her timidly on the arm. Charlotte turned to him in a rage. Tears glittered in her eyes. Oh, shit! He thought that before she attacked him.

"I knew it was wrong to tell you what Sir Denham and Clara......you led me to believe you cared for me.“  
"I do!" he shouted back in frustration.  
"...I thought we could be friends."  
"We can be..." he said, though he wanted to tell her what he really wanted.

"We can't, you have..."  
"You frustrate me!" he shoutet.  
"But why?" stunned she looked deep in his eyes.  
"With your ....opinions!"  
"I thought we could... I believed...."  
"Stop!" he shouted and put a finger on her mouth so quickly that he himself got scared when he touched her.  
"Stop now!" he said in the lowest and softest voice she had ever heard him say.  
The warmth of his finger on her lip made her breathe too fast, she couldn't get enough air. Extremely slowly he let his index finger slide down, when it caught on her lower lip she opened her mouth and her warm, much too fast breath tickled his hand. As he slowly followed her lip as if he was doing it to a precious statue, it was two fingers. Charlotte blinked excitedly and he dropped his hand.

"Forgive me."

Completely speechless she stared at him as he held those very same fingers that had just passed over her lips to his and toched his on the same way. Closing his eyes for a short moment. The heart in her chest seemed to burn, a million butterflies danced in her belly.

"What...?" she breathed her question and looked up at him with her big doe eyes.  
"You frustrate me." Again pain flashed through her face. The up and down, what was going on inside her was unbearable.  
"I...can't stand it near you, because I..." he looked at her so intensely that the butterflies in her stomach whirled around and were doubled by the burning in her heart.  
"I can't concentrate when you're near me," he finally said, but it just seemed to confuse her more. He probably had to be more specific.  
"I can't concentrate when you're not near me, either."

That little wrinkle between her brows was there again. Since he had just touched her lip and this little sensation was still chasing waves of happiness through his body, he didn't hesitate to wipe the wrinkle away with the finger of his other hand.  
"You keep me from work, you're... you're the reason I'm here."  
"But why..." she began, but the rest of the sentence got stuck in her throat as he moved his hand from her forehead to her cheek.  
"I left because I... I couldn't stand... the realization..."  
"What realization?" she whispered.  
"I can't...I don't want..."  
Charlotte looked at him pleading, and he heard her voice in his head, say it, say it!  
"I have been hurt." he growled.  
Oh, the story Mary had hinted at, Charlotte nibbled at her lips. She nodded to show him he should move on.  
"I don't want it happen again." He moaned in frustration and dropped his head back to the door.  
"Of course."  
"I'm a broken, damned man... I've done things I'm not... proud of and I know I'm... not good enough... I know..."  
"Who has opinions now?"

Surprised, he looked at her, but her face was blank. She had herself well under control, but Sidney noticed that her breath was going fast, how could he not, the dress was cut out enough for him to see it. Her hand was still holding the stockings in her fist, the other hand clasped her dress.  
"I'm not good enough for you."  
"what does that mean?"  
"we were getting along so well and I was thinking...." he couldn't tell her what he really thought, so he said instead.  
"I have to leave before it's too late."  
"Too late for what?"

"To fall in love with you."

She gasped audibly for breath. A while passed and since he had closed his eyes at the words, he didn't know that she was still standing there.  
"but I knew at that moment that this would not happen."  
Bang. That pain again. This time the tears came so fast, because she was not able to suppress them. Charlotte nodded and turned to leave when she heard the rest of his softly spoken sentence.

"because it had already happened."


	6. everything that follows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how would Charlotte react to his words?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to it...

"oh!"  
Sidney opened his eyes again, she was still standing there! He had thought he had finally scared her off, but she looked at him over her shoulder. Oh those incredibly beautiful eyes. Big and warm, her cheeks blushed and shining slightly from her tears. Her lips slightly opened as if in shock. She was shocked, no question, after all they had not known each other for so long. He was a stranger. Again he was too quick with his feelings, too quick and too careless. Lightly he shook his head, he knew that she did not want him. Not that way. Nobody wanted him.

"Say that again," she whispered as she turned and strolled toward him in such a sensual, innocent way that he had to swallow hard not to jump at her. Did she know what effect she had on him? This mixture of her naive and erotic nature, her body, so seductive. She would be to blame for his death. Choked on too many feelings.  
She stared at him. Waiting. Her eyes were soft and warm and he knew that he would always be honest with her if she looked at him with that look. She was looking right into his soul.

"It's already happened," he whispered. She smiled slightly.  
"What exactly?"  
"Fall in love with you?" his voice took on an uncharacteristically high scratching tone. He closed his eyes, he couldn't bear the sight of her rejecting him right away. But suddenly there was a warmth on his cheek. He seemed to breathe for the first time. His lungs filled with air and her scent. It was so overwhelming.

„explain it to me.“ She asked, Sidney blinked several times, a little frown between his eybrows. „I never was in love...“ she said embarressed.  
He looked somewhat befuddeld, or was he hurt?  
„Yes, erm...well. My heart is pumping everytime I see you.“ he looked over her head somewhere else.  
„No, that is not the truth...it’s the feeling of...it’s only pumping because of you.“  
„it’s a beautiful description, Mr. Parker.“ she let her hand fall off his cheek and he was dissapointed, her warm hand missed on his skin.  
„is it...is it so, that...does it something with your belly?“ she asked innocently, now he was about to sweep her in his arms.  
„yes it does.“ he managed to say, he dared to look at her and she bite her lower lip, a light frown between her eyes, she seemed do concentrate or ponder a question.  
„And be I ... be I in your dreams as well?“  
„oh yes.“ he chuckled and looked shyly on his hands.

"When?" she asked with a newfound calm in her voice.  
"At night when I sleep," though not quite true.  
"No, I mean, when... did you know... I mean..." She was nervous again. She couldn't even look at him.  
"There was something about you that touched me the first time we met."  
"New maid?" she laughed and looked up at him briefly. He laughed too, embarrassed and stuttered his explanation,  
"well, I was trying not to show you I was interested in...you..."  
"Uh-huh." she looked into his eyes and her smile disappeared when she saw the seriousness in his eyes.  
"I closed my heart after what happened to me... and you came and bang you wormed your way in there and it irritated me." Oh, wow. All he could really do was be honest with her.

„I am sorry.“ Charlotte reached out for him, but he thought she pitied him because she didn't want him. Sidney nodded, tears welled up, he stretched his chin.  
"It's all right, I shouldn't have... talked to you like that. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me and we can still...“  
„What do you mean?“ Charlotte searched his eyes confused.  
„Miss Heywood, please.“ he begged and tried to leave, but however she had cornered him. And although she was so petite, a strengh radiated from her. She forced him to stay and answer her.  
„You don’t feel the same, I understand. Please take my apologies and let me go“ as if she was holding him with steal force.

„I never said that.“ she whispered, overwhelmed that he couldn’t see. His eyes snapped at her. She blushed in such an enchanting way, he could only shake his head. Oh, he was so lost.  
„What do you say?“ his voice trembled, barely to hear.  
Charlotte took a deep breath to steel herself, she forced herself to look him in the eyes and said with a strong voice,  
„the things you describe.“ she looked away shyly and looked back at him again.  
„it’s...like after the ball...“  
His heart hammered against his rips and he cleared his throat  
„you mean...“ he reached for her hand „you feel the same since after the ball?“

She bit her lip and nodded and his relief was so overwhelming, that he forgot everything around them. Everything that was right disappeared. He grabbed her around the waist, lifted her up and whirled her around as if he were a lovesick teenager. She laughed so heartwarmingly he couldn't help himself and took another spin with her in his arms. Her skirts were flying around, her hands on his neck. Surrounded by her scent, he felt as if he was drunk, but in other ways. He felt light and happy. Sidney laughed as well and it was such a rare sound that he was taken aback as well.

When Charlotte's feet touched the ground again, she swayed a little. She stabilized by strengthening the grip on his neck and his grip on her waist became tighter as well. Her neck hair stood up as he leaned closer. He looked for her eyes to be sure she understood what he wanted to do, he silently asked for her permission. Her eyes widened slightly, her lips opened as she gasped for air. Sidney did not move. He waited. Her eyes fluttered and her breath accelerated before she closed her eyes and leaned closer, barely noticeable. 

As his warm soft lips brushed hers, her heart rolling around in her chest. It was so light, she didn’t even think it was a kiss. She wanted more and as she griped him tighter, he pressed his lips more and more to hers. It felt like....a sunny mornig light touched her skin. Charlotte lost herself in his embrace and touch of lips, she didn’t hear anything except her heart beating and heavy breath of both of them.

She was all the more shocked when he pushed her away from him and stood behind her with one step, as if he wanted to protect her from something. Slowly she turned to him, his broad back blocking her view, but she heard a voice. What it said she could not understand at first because of the noise in her head. Only when Sidney reached back and closed his hand around hers did this familiar voice come through to her.

„Sidney!“ Mary hissed.  
„I’m in love with her.“ he said, it was his only explaination. His voice strong and deep.  
„Oh, yes I know,... but...it’s not proper, she is our guest...“ and with a look around him, she asked Charlotte concerned „are you all right, dear?“  
„Yes, more than...“ Charlotte bit her lip, oh she was lovesick as well, Sidney thought with a grin.  
„Allright“, Mary looked around so that no servants where around and told them in a amused way  
„so end this and then I will see you downstairs for some tea. Both of you.“ she turned and dissapeared.

They looked at each other with an idiotic grin and laughed softly. Sidney took her hands in his and lovingly pressed several kisses on the back of her hand, wrist and palm.  
"She's going to give us a lecture." he whispered.  
"Yes?" Charlotte was still a little dizzy from that kiss.  
"She'll demand that we back off."  
"oh." she seemed disappointed. Sidney giggled softly and nodded at her.  
"and that I'm courting you properly."  
"Oh?" she hasn't been able to form a clear sentence.  
"and...well..."  
"what?" she asked, breathless, and her pulse racing.  
"to get to know each other better and then..."  
"then what?" she thought her heart would explode at his next words.  
"everything that follows..."


End file.
